I've been writing a lot of schlock about the holidays and how wonderful everyone is and how much joy there is at this time of the year. In the interest of fair time and giving equal time to dissenting opinion, I bring you Aquaman and how he spent New Year's Eve.
Thanks for returning my emails, dickwad. Supposedly Byron's been getting a lot of heat for my last post. I wrote something about Giganta's 18 foot vagina, I guess they didn't like that. I know what they mean, I didn't particularly care for my 5'6" vagina ... of course that was my first wife. Hey yoooooo!
Seriously though, the holidays aren't the best time of the year for your buddy Aquaman. For one thing, all of my SuperFriend buddies go to their home planets, their home towns, their home islands or whatever. Except for Apache Chief, all that dude does is sit around and watch the Trouble Alert for 72 straight hours. Last year I asked him how he does it. He said, and I quote, "Ug. Me have strength of bear, focus of hawk and fifth of Gin."
So, since I have nothing to do, I head underwater to Atlantis. Of course, my second wife Mera is there. Think she's happy to see her husband? Of course not, she's lying wasted on our clam-shell couch, vomit hanging from her lips, cigarette dangling from her fingers. I know what you're thinking, "How can you smoke under water?" It's not easy, Copernicus, but it can be done.
Anyway, after I wake her up with a scalding cup of coffee (thrown in her face) I ask her about dinner. I don't get the answer until she stops screaming and its a frying pan flung at me. Being a superhero, I can sense that she's pissed, so I head on down to the Rusty Barnicle.
All of the guys are there, Aqua Lad, Sub Mariner (yeah, I hang out with Marvel Comic dudes, what's it to you?) Tusky the Walrus, the gang. Look at these assholes, would you hang out with them?
The Tusky picture is small because he's a piece of shit walrus. The thing is I don't talk to any of them any more, not Sub Mariner, that dude never talked to me ... funny thing about the Mariner, he loves baseball. Know what his favorite team is? That's right. The Washington Nationals. "How can I not love a team that is undefeated?"
Anyway, the reason why I don't talk to AquaLad or Tusky any more is because of what happened last New Year's Eve. NYE is a time where we can all get loaded and shoot off our mouth. We were pounding the Budweisers pretty hard and Tusky gets all philosophical and says, "What is your New Year's resolution?"
AquaLad said something about trying to work out harder and stop wearing such short shorts. Tusky explained that he wanted to work down on eating, he mentioned something about an Atkins diet, but I wasn't listening.
So, finally it gets to me (I am sort of the unofficial leader of this little crew) and they're all pretty interested in what I had to say. So, I look at Tusky, then at AquaLad, then at Tusky again and I blurt out, "My New Year's resolution is to nail both of your ugly mothers in the starfish!" Then I started to laugh, you know, to let them know I'm just goofing around.
They're both pussies and gave me a dirty look.
I was like, what's your fucking problem?
And both of them said, "Dude, you know that our mothers are both dead."
I was like, "Who fucking cares? One, I like nailing dead bitches and two, they won't put up a fight."
That fucker Tusky jammed one of his tusks into my forearm and wouldn't let go until I apologized. As this was going on, AquaLad just started slapping me. Yes, slapping me. Literally. Like a woman. Tusky's tusks fucking killed, but I was laughing so hard because of AquaLad's slaps that it was hard to say I was sorry. Tusky released his grip on me.
I told them that I was sorry. Sorry that I wasted my time hanging around with you losers, and I walked back home.
So, here we are a year later and those two pricks still haven't talked to me since. Who would've thought that someone would hold a grudge about potential narcolepsy on a person's mother? Jeez, talk about being a puss. Someone put a quarter in the jukebox and that Auld Lang Syne song that Kenny G. does where they have a dude read headlines over the song came on. It got me thinking that I should really bury the hatchet with the guys.
They're a little nerdy, but they're not too bad. I took a leak, and when I came back I order a couple of brews. I brought them over to them as a peace offering. They were happy to see me and we started talking and drinking, just like old times. And we got as drunk as we did last year.
After getting hammered, Tusky asked again, "What's your New Year's resolution?"
AquaLad, again went first, "I'm going to quit wearing these speedos and I'm going to keep in better contact with my friends."
"I'm going to lose some weight and also keep in contact with all of my old friends," Tusky said and he gave me a wink.
I was genuinely touched. These guys really liked me, despite the mean things I said to them. Finally they asked me what my resolution is. They held their breath, until I said, "First off I'm going to quit masturbating in the bathroom and then dumping the jizz in my friend's drinks and I'm going to dig up both of your mothers and slam them both in the ass!"
I swam home laughing my ass off thinking, I don't hate New Year's Eve, I fucking love it!