Monday, August 30, 2004

Super Quota System

You won't get any sort of bitchings from me, apparently Aquaman has something on his chest, and it's not an orange cod piece. I'll let him explain:

Thanks, Byron. The other day I was over on www.sonsofsamhorn.com because I like to Google my name and see what appears. Saturday night, I poured a glass of Boone's Farm Wild Berry and was planning on reading about myself, when the above web site showed up. I have no idea who Sam Horn's kid is, but there's some asshole over there, who goes by the name of John Marzano Olympic Hero, and he talking some serious shit about me as a baseball player.

He said I would do no better than Cesar Crespo! For one thing, I don't know a Cesar Crespo from a tube of Crest, but I can hazard a guess to what it is. I know I can play baseball better than a crispy salad. Lettuce, is by far, the worst vegetable out there. And if Mr. Marzano thinks he can insult the King of the Seven Seas by comparing him to a head of lettuce, he is sadly mistaken.

And what kind of jackass would call himself an "Olympic Hero" anyway? The Olympics blew this year, like they have every year. I can swim way faster than all of those divers and swimmers but the IOC won't recognize Atlantis because they think we're "not real" and "imaginary". They can kiss my starfish (the word starfish in Atlantian is exactly the same as your English word "asshole").

I'm sorry I started this post on such a sour note, but man, I hate stuff like that. It seems that people can just what they want on the Internet, which I think is totally wrong. From what I was told, by Black Vulcan, the Internet is supposedly a paragon of honesty and virtue. And he should know because that dude actually runs the entire Internet.

The problem is, he never has makes a cent off it. The one good thing is that it keeps him busy. He uses his electro torso to power the Internet generator in Cincinnati. Every day for 24 hours, he just creates sparks. Don't feel bad for him though, he loves this type of stuff.

A few years back, he was kicked out of the Justice League when that other Green Lantern showed up. One day he just walked in the door and was like, "Hi! I'm the new Green Lantern." And everyone looked at BV and said, "Good bye Black Vulcan."

I know, it's totally harsh but for some strange reason there can only be one member of each race in the Justice League. I'm the only Atlantian, Hawkman is the only Hawkman, Wonder Woman is the only lesbian, Samurai the only Asian guy, El Dorado the only Hispanic and Apache Chief is the only Sweedish guy. It's true, Apache Chief is 100% Sweedish, he was born and raised in Stolkholm. He actually knew the Nobles, the guys who award the prize. "Them great people," he once said.

Anyway, I think the real problem with Black vulcan wasn't so much that he was black as it was he couldn't shower. Think about it, what happens if you throw a plugged-in toaster into the bathtub? That's right, burnt starfish. Needless to say he totally reeked, the dude just couldn't get clean.

He was able to live with it, but we couldn't. Every morning he'd hit the weight room for an hour or two and then would hang around the Justice League waiting for the trouble alert to go off. Just lying on the couches, scratching his balls and then sticking his hands in people's food. He wasn't trying to be a dick, that's just the way he was raised.

And with those ever present grape smugglers he always wore, his taste in music wasn't the only thing that was funky in Metropolis. Sure, we tried lots of ideas: Batman came up with a fresh-smelling bat deoderant, Flash tried creating a wind funnel to get rid of the stank and Wonder Woman just tried beating the smell out of him. Nothing worked.

We used to send BV on made-up missions just so we could talk about kicking him out of the league. But, rules are rules and our hands were tied. It was the greatest threat the Superfriends ever faced, until the day the black Green Lantern stopped by. And the guy smelled good. Total bonus for us.

Anyway I'm off to speak to Black Vulcan to see if he can help me track down this John Marzano Olympic Hero. Hopefully he'll be able to tell me before I pass out. If not, I'll find out later I guess. Maybe one of you guys can help me out?

1 comment:

Jeff said...

That JMOH is an asshole