Wednesday, August 18, 2004

Guess who's back?

That's right Aquaman. He was very popular last week, and since the water boy needs a bit of cheering up, I told him that he can write another entry. Show the man some love and send him an email or two. You can reach him at my email address.

Hello everyone, Aquaman here again.

This week has been a little trying for me. It's hard to be a SuperFriend when all of your supposed "friends" run off on you.

Take for example last Thursday, we were all just coolin' at the Hall of Justice shooting the breeze and talking about our latest super heroing, side story, Hawkman always tells the best stories because he loves to watch chicks get undressed in high-rise buildings. Whenever they catch him (which is a lot) he pretends to be a bird, and most of the time they believe him. He keeps telling us he's going to get one of those camera cell phones so he can make his own web site, but the dude is more broke than Dom DeLouise' wicker lawn chair.

Where was I? Oh yeah, so Hawkman is the midst of a cool story about this 40-floor sorority house when the trouble alert goes off. Apparently there are sun demons about to attack the earth. Everyone is set for action, everyone except yours truly.

For one thing, it's the sun. There is no water up there. I doubt that there's even any steam for me to grab a sauna. Two, how am I supposed to get there. Superman, Green Lantern, fuck, even Hawkman can fly. Batman takes the bat jet and either Robin is with him (seriously, what's up with that?) or he's got bat laundry in the passenger seat. Whatever, he's such a dick.

So that means I have to tag along with Wonder Woman. She sucks. For one thing, she's a total bully, every time we go past a space ship that looks like a VW bug, she punches me. Really hard. Another thing, she drives like a lunatic. There are no men on Paradise Island, so guess who teaches the young women to drive? That's right old women, and you know what they say about women drivers? No survivors. HA! Can I get an amen from the fellahs out there?

So everyone gets in their jets or powers up before Superman looks over his shoulder, "Aquaman, watch the Wonder Twins. They had almost two glasses of orange soda and you know how rambunctious they can get." Yeah, fine Superman, enjoy saving the world, asshole. Don't worry about your friends on earth, fuck knob. I wish that the sun would turn red, then he'd be singing a different tune.

No seemed to care when I told them about the sea horse wranglers the week before last. But that assclown Flash said that was a more of a "coast guard thing", but I thought it was pretty serious. When I went over to the inlet to check things out, it turns out he was right. The Coast Guard was wrapping things up, without any help from me.

Fuck them, I thought, the twins can take care of themselves. The girl can form of a Plutotian ape and the boy can form of an ice banana and jam himself up her ass for all I care.

Turns out that the SuperFriends did need my help because the closer the demons got to earth, the more water they needed. They thought I could've gotten a whale to blow water on them, but seriously, screw that, Aquaman knows when he's not wanted. And if they really wanted me to go, they should've asked. I've got shit to do.

Anyway, Superman used his cold breath on them and they all went away. Now if you excuse me, I have to go away too ... there's a gallon of Hagan Das calling my name.

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