Monday, July 04, 2005

A funny story and some Q and A's with Aquaman

This was going to simply be a question and answer Blog with the Prince of the Deep, Aquaman, but a funny thing happened to Aly and I yesterday on the T. We were heading into Government Center to sample the Chowderfest (long story short, we got there, the lines were waaaaay too long so we went to Pizzeria Regina instead) and instead of taking the car we jumped on the T. The Sox were playing at 2:00 and we got on around 1, so the train was packed.

At the very next stop, this fat lady in a tie-dyed shirt starts busting her way out of the train. She's screaming and yelling, but people can only move so fast because the train is absolutely packed. Finally she yells at Aly, "Get out of the way! Are you so lazy that you can't move two steps?"

First of all, Aly was moving, it's just that there was a half dozen people in front of her, so I look at the lady and say, "Hey Tubby, cram it." And then she said, "What did you say?" and I told her again. She then went on a rant about how it wasn't nice to say something like that, only she was screaming. Finally I told her to take a walk because it looked like she could use it.

Then she gave me the bird and continued to yell at me. At that point, I just smirked and waved goodbye, because the conductor shut the door and we left. Here's the thing, I don't really feel good about what I did (though it was funny that I called her Tubby), but at the same time, she was being an obnoxious bitch, who is she to yell at Aly? Sometimes, people can be real assholes.

And speaking of a real asshole, here's Aquaman with his first ever question and answer column:

Thanks, Byron. If you ever call me an asshole again there will be a school of piranah in your toilet next time you sit down to take a piss ... that's how the girls do it, right?

Anyway, I got a bunch of letters from my fans over the last year about super heroes and stuff, so since I'm an expert, I'm going to answer them for you. And if you don't like the answers, maybe you're asking the wrong questions.

First one:


Who would win in a fight between the Thing and the Hulk?

Steven Rogers

Dumb question Steve. For one thing, if they fought in the water, I'd kick both of their asses with one arm tied behind my back. How many times do I have to tell you that the Earth is made up of 75% water and I'm the toughest dude there? I mean, the Thing is made of orange rocks. The Hulk is a brainless idiot. One sinks, the other stinks. End of story.

Yo AM,

Who would win in a race between the Flash and Superman. Both are wicked fast.

Your bud,
Vinnie Favale

Vinnie, you're a turd and no bud of mine. First Steve asks about two mouthbreathers and now you. What the fuck? Like the previous question, if these two were having a race in the water, the obvious answer is that I'd win. And BTW, do you know how the Flash got his name? Ask his girlfriend. Wocka, wocka.

Hi Aquaman,

Long time, first time here. Your arch enemy is a guy named Black Manta. Black Vulcan is an African American, Black Panther is too, are you fighting him because you're a racist? Why don't you just let him be himself? Also, do you like porcelin dolls, because I do.

O'Shea Jackson

I'll take your last question first, of course I don't like porcelin dolls. Although that does remind me of a rumor I heard this weekend, do you know that Ice Cube was kicked out of NWA because he collected porcelin dolls? It's true. Apparently Eazy-E found out, started ragging on him and off he left. Drag that something like that ended one of the greatest rap acts of all time.

For the more serious question: no, I am not a racist. Though that does remind me of a joke, What's the difference between a Timex and a black guy? The watch is guaranteed to always work! Ha. That's awesome.


Why aren't you on the new Justice League cartooon any more? All of the other heroes are, even Elastic Man. Are you a bigger pussy than Elastic Man?

Reed Richards

No. I could kick that guy's ass, if he came under the sea. The reason why I'm not on the new Justice League cartoon is because those guys at Cartoon Network are the biggest bunch of cheapskates on the planet. Listen, I'm an original SuperFriend, I don't work for scale.

If they want me, they better pay me Superman or Batman money. None of this Apache Chief cash. And confidentially, Apache Chief only takes beaver pelts and booze in exchange for work. Weird system he has going on there.

Hey big boy,

What would you say to a little Giganta action?

G. Ganta

I'd say get an air tank and get that big ass of yours down here ... you're not the only thing that grows when you get excited!

And that's about it for Q and A with the Big A. Next time, I'll have more answers for your questions.

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