Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Invite Me to a Party for Minty-Fresh Breath

Yes. This week’s cartoon is a true story. If you know me at all, you’re probably aware that I’m a passive guy and I try not to let things bug me too much. However, if I get angry enough or feel that I’ve been wronged in some way, and I feel motivated (big part of the equation), I do a pretty good job of getting people back.

Anyhow, by the time I was midway through my sophomore year in college, I was pretty much done with the whole fraternity scene. For the most part, the dudes that joined these things were complete dorks and while the parties were ok, there was always an underlying tension between the guys in the frat and the guys who weren’t in the fraternity. Full disclosure, I can’t really blame them. I used to hate it when we’d have bashes and random dudes would show up unannounced drink our beers and go for our women.

The difference is, we never used to advertise our fiestas, while these clowns usually did. In order to get a majority of the guys out of their house, they would often call the cops on themselves and the police would send everyone home. A half hour later, a select group would come back (mostly chicks) and they would spend the rest of the night drinking. Oh yeah, I forgot the most important thing, we had to pay to get in the place. So essentially, we were paying $10 a cup for three beers and an hour’s worth of “fun”.

Not all of the fraternities did that, but there was one that pulled this trick on a regular basis. After about three straight weeks, I got fed up and pulled the trick that I depicted in my strip.

Want to see the strip? Check it out here at: www.room19comics.com

Ninety nine times out of one hundred, I wouldn’t have the balls to pull this off, but I was a bit tipsy, but not too wasted, so I tried it. I’m not even sure where I got the idea from, maybe from the urban legend about the honeymoon couple who went away and had all of their shit stolen except their toothbrush and their cameras. After the vacation they got their pictures developed and found that the thieves had shoved the toothbrushes up their asses and took pictures of it. I wasn’t about to shove a tooth brush up the butt, but I could do the next best thing.

I’ve never checked a locked door so much in my life. You’ve been to enough parties to know that a bathroom door is never safe, no matter if it’s locked or not. With one eye on the toilet and another glued to the entrance, I grabbed the brushes off of the sink and left them under my yellow stream. After I was done pissing, I dunked both brushes in the toilet for good measure and actually scrubbed a bit of the porcelain.

When I left the bathroom, I made sure to cover my tracks and put the brushes back exactly where they were when I originally found them. One of the brothers was pissed that I was still in the house (he probably forgot that I asked to take a leak) and told me to get lost. I just smiled and told him thanks for letting me come to your party.

Of all of the things that I’ve ever done, this was the meanest and most satisfying. As Eddie Haskell once said, “Nothing is mean if it’s funny enough” and laughed the entire way back to school. My friends were asking me what was so funny and I managed to tell them and I think that they thought it was funny too, but probably not as much as I did.

There aren’t many opportunities in life where you get to be a dick and be proud of it. Did I overreact? Shit yeah. In the long run, it was their party, they could invite whom they wanted and can kick out who they don’t want there. But at the time, I thought that a huge injustice had been foisted upon me and my brethren and wanted to strike back at the yoke of opposition. Did it work? Who knows, but all I know is that it made me feel better.

BTW the letters on the frat guy's chest isn't from a real fraternity at Merrimack College. They actually stand for DIK or dick, get it? It's a shout out to "Can't Hardly Wait" and is the frat that Jerry O'Connell belongs to. So, I am very unoriginal.

Yesterday wasn’t the best day at this address, it wasn’t one gigantic thing that made it crappy, but a bunch of stuff that combined together made up for a less-than-fun 24 hours. BTW, if you don’t want to read a bunch of random bitching then you can skip this part of the Blog. It’s just a lot of wah-wah-wahing and “feel bad for me” bullshit.

It all started back on January 8 of this year, Aly and I were driving down Route 9 to see about some furniture when a cop in Wellesley pulled me over. He was standing in front of the fire station on Route 9 and I was stopped at a red light. I knew exactly why he did so, I had an inspection sticker that expired at the end of December and he was being a ball-buster.

I figured I’d get a $25 fine, or at best a warning, but he hit me with a $50 citation. I was beyond bullshit, and the guy was a real fucking dick about it too. I decided that I’d fight the ticket and maybe see if I could get the fine knocked down or something. Well, yesterday was my day in court. I had to be in Dedham at 10:30 for a hearing in front of a judge, I wish I could remember the guy’s name because he was a dick too.

He gave me a half a minute to explain my side of the story, which I did. Then he said that I have a “serious” problem with inspection stickers and I asked what he was talking about. He pointed to a ticket I got in 2000 and a warning that I received in 2004. I have no idea what the 2000 one was for, but the 2004 one was one in which I was in Aly’s car. It happened in Brookline and like I said, I was given a warning.

The judge said, “They may go easy on you in Brookline, but not here. Fine stands.” Didn’t even give me a chance to explain. I was in and out of there in less than two minutes. Thanks, dickhead. Really. The reason why Brookline gives out warnings is because they actually have things that go on in their city. The only thing that Wellesley cops do is give out tickets and slam black guys to the ground as a way of making sure that they aren’t bank robbers.

If you have no idea what I’m talking about do a Google search for former Celtics star Dee Brown and Wellesley. Great little town you have there. Big fuck you to them.

The other sucky thing that happened yesterday is while I was paying my bills in the morning I happen to notice that the restaurant we went to for Roy’s birthday on Saturday, Pane E Vino in Providence, charged me $300 for the dinner. The meal did cost $300, but I only put $120 on my card and the remainder was paid in cash.

I called the restaurant, but it wasn’t open yet, so the manager called me in the afternoon. She apologized for the mix-up, but said there was nothing that she could do. I was like, “What do you mean?” She told me that that is just the way things go in the restaurant biz and that I should see an adjustment in two to five days. I said, “What?”

She then said that the waitress messed up. Then she said I only put down $249, which was completely wrong. Just totally wrong. Then she came up with another excuse, this literally all happened within two minutes. Personally, I think that she was just throwing excuses at me and hoping that I’d let her off the hook. Unfortunately, $180 is $180 and I don’t have the extra scratch to throw around.

I told her that if I didn’t see a change on my statement by Wednesday, I’m disputing the bill. This pissed her off a bit, but you know what who cares? I have the customer receipt and it says $120 on the sheet. I have no idea where our waitress got $300 from, especially after there were nine $20 bills in the little after-dinner binder they give you. Even if she did completely fuck up, how come I was given a bill for $120? If she wasn’t trying to screw us, wouldn’t common sense tell you that you were not going to get a $180 tip on a $300 meal?

Seriously? What the fuck is wrong with people now a days? Everyone is always looking to pull a fast one and if you call them on it, they get pissed. Now add this with the new microwave we bought on Saturday that when I pulled it out of the box on Sunday, it looked as if someone hit the thing with a sledge hammer, me losing my student ID and getting the proofs back from our wedding album (the photographer, who has been moving about on this as fast a snail on valium, completely decided to do the opposite of what we are paying him to do.) and yesterday pretty much fucking blew.

Oh yeah, “Arrested Development” is officially cancelled. That was the cherry on top of the shit sundae that was March 27, 2006. RIP AD