Tuesday, November 09, 2004

I am a bad friend

About six weeks ago I got this email:

Byron,

What's up? Not too much down here, I was just chilling pool side (yes, I do have a pool here) and realized that I haven't written anything for your site in a while. Do you want me to do anything?

Your buddy,

Aquaman

BTW, dude Angels and Dodgers in the World Series


With the playoffs and other stuff going on, I forgot about him until I got this email yesterday:

Dear dicknose mouth breather,

What the fuck? I emailed you six weeks ago and you still haven't emailed me back. What the hell is your fucking problem? I just have a bunch of shit on my mind that I want to get out in the open, so let me write something. If you don't, the next time you take a crap, I'll find out and send a school of piranah to bite your scrotum.

Aquaman

BTW, what did I tell you? Red Sox/Cards World Series, just like I predicted!


Since I need my scrotum, with out further complications, here's Aquaman.

Hey surface folk, what's shakin your bacon? Not much is new down in the water, though Atlantis is still rocking from the World Series. I can't believe that the Red Sox did it. Old Neptune was really smiling up on them this year.

I got an email from Frank Weebles the other day and he asked, "Yo AM, since you don't really do the superhero thing that much anymore, how do you stay in the cabbage?" Here's the thing douchebag, I am still in the superhero game, the problem is aside from the Bison Dele incident a few years ago, there aren't many pirates or other nautical crimes going on.

That is why I am pumped for the best word in the English language: residual checks! Your buddy Aquaman was smart enough to tape all of his adventures in the 60s, 70s and the beginning of the 80s. This week I finally got my first DVD set, "The Challenge of the Superfriends" delivered to my underwater palace.

Calling it cool would be doing it a diservice. It rocked. The DVD was loaded with my fights against Black Manta, especially that part in the beginning where we're tussling around in the ocean and I get an octopus and a whale to help me kick his ass. Not that I needed two of the biggest sea creatures around to kick one dude's ass, but whatever.

So after I got done making Aqualad and Myra watch my adventures, I noticed that there was a disc of special stuff. There is no one more special than yours truly, so I figured it would be a lot of footage of me. Actually it wasn't. It was these two guys who worked for DC Comics.

At first they were totally complimentary saying, "What you should remember about Aquaman is that he really is one of the most powerful guys in the DC Universe. He controls 75% of the world. That's a lot for one dude, and he does it well."

See that? I bet you never thought of it that way before. Donald Trump doesn't control 75% of the world, neither does Paris Hilton or Hawkman. It's me, Aguahombre.

But then something happens to these two clowns and they start slagging off on me, "It must've been hard for the writers to come up with stuff for Aquaman to do. With so many heroes, there can't be a lot of water-related plots. So he stands around a lot."

Then they show scene after scene after scene of me just standing there. Seriously? What the fuck? If those assholes knew anything about superheroing, they would've figured out that:

a. I was waiting for something to happen so I could spring into action and
b. No one writes this stuff, it's all real stuff going on

Then they started talking about how in the older episodes, with less teammates, I was a more featured star, now that guys like Black Vulcan, Apache Chief and Samuri were around I got bumped to a bit player. Again, they're wrong.

Who did Batman come to when he and Robin got into a fight? Me.
Who did Hawkman come to when he needed bail money for getting peeping on girls at that woman's college? Me.
Who did Wonder Woman make clean up her room? Me.

If it wasn't for me, the Hall of Justice would stop running. But, you know what? I don't give a crap about what these guys say because those checks just keep rolling, rolling, rolling in. So suck on that, DC guys.

Well, I'm going to get going. I'll talk to you sooner than last time. Peace.

1 comment:

Jeff said...

What a waste it is to lose one's mind.