Thanks, asshole. A lot of people like old sweatshirts, and a lot more like Aquaman. I want you all to look at something.
Do you see how happy I was? That's right during the ceremony. There are a few things that I've noticed since that day. One, Wonder Woman isn't wearing any breathing aparatus in this picture. She's a pretty tough chick and apparently she can bully the laws of physics. She should be dead.
Also, look where Robin is. He's directly across from Batman. "Young ward" my ass. They were making googly eyes at each other during my wedding. And the worst part is that they have no visible pupils.
But the strangest thing is how great Mera looks. Long, red hair. Big cans. Smoking body. Now she butched up her hair, her boobs are sagging into the Marianas Trench and she's gained 30 pounds. That's what marriage can do to a gal, but what can it do to a guy? I'll tell you what it can do, it makes you swim 340 miles to the nearest bar. And I don't mean a sand bar.
There is a place called Speedy's where the boys from the Justice League and the Legion of Doom go to relax and kick it old school. I know what you're thinking, "Kick it old school with the Legion of Doom? What the hell?" Yeah, we hang out with them some times, they're really not that bad of guys.
The only one who doesn't is Superman. He's on some kind of kick where he can't separate his work from his social life. Forget the Son of Krypton, his sense of snobbery also effected by the yellow sun. And let me tell you something, Superman isn't the most liked guy in the Superfriends. Behind his back we call him Super-no-friends.
The best thing about Speedy's is that we don't have to worry about the Norms, that's you, pal. Unless you have some sort of super power, you can't come in. Something is always going down, mostly with the Flash. There are two reasons why they call him that, one is because he's fucking fast. The other is because when he gets wasted and he just whips it out. To anyone. It's funny stuff.
Another cool thing about the Flash is that the drunker he gets, the more brews he steals. And the bartender never can tell. The Flash just pours a beer hella quick and then sits back down in the blink of an eye.
Since the Superfriends had to go all multi-cultural, we had to take the first minority who came along. Unfortunately for us, they all had the characteristics that have plagued their people. For example, Apache Chief always gets wasted. I mean completely shit-faced every time he goes to Speedy's. And he's a complete Indian giver. I know that's not PC, but what do you call a guy who buys you a beer than drinks it while you're taking a leak?
Only you better not say that to him, he goes crazy. Plasticman called him an "IG" and the next thing you know, that fucker was twisted into a hangman's noose. He choked on himself. And after Apache Chief gets his anger out, he gets super horny.
See that giant bitch in the leopard print?
Her name is Giganta, and she can grow to the size of Apache Chief. Have you ever seen a 15 foot vagina? I have and let me tell you something, it ain't that pretty. Apache Chief and her used to screw all over Metropolis, it was absolutely disgusting.
That's why I don't have any kids. I saw them bumping uglies and my testicles went into my chest. I am now sterile thanks to those two freaks. And that's where I'm leaving off tonight.
The next time I'll tell you about Samurai and the Sake, Black Lightning and his Colt 45 and El Dorado and his tequilla.
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