As a Champions story, this wasn’t too bad. As an Avengers
story, this wasn’t too good.
We open the action with Iron Man hurtling himself towards
the Championcar. As Black Widow said, “He’s diving at (us) at missile speed!”
Since I just finished reading Iron Man Annual 4 where the Champs help ol’ Shell
Head, to see him attacking his new/old buddies was a bit confusing. Writer Jim
Shooter, who was a terrific writer back in the day and has a better handle on
the Champions than the team’s regular writer Bill Mantlo, doesn’t give a lot of
clues as to why Tony Stark is doing this.
Iron Man starts beating the shit out of Hercules. When Black
Widow and Ice Man help their Olympian friend, they get a pretty nasty beat down
too. Herc, BW and Ice Man are the only Champions that appear in this book because
the others are all off doing something. It literally took Iron Man two pages to
take down Ice Man and Natasha. And he did it in a douche-y way too. He crumbled
a building on Black Widow, when there were a ton of bystanders around –don’t
worry about collateral damage, Tony! And after Bobby encased him in ice, he
used his chest beam to drill him in the back.
For the rest of the issue it was a slugfest between Hercules
and Iron Man. They took turns trading punches. Hercules would punch Iron Man in
the chest, IM would gasp about how he almost just died. Iron Man would punch
Hercules in the mouth and Tony would wonder why Hercules wasn’t dead. Every
other panel would center around Hercules asking Iron Man if he had lost his
mind. Why was he attacking him? WHY?
Turns out Iron Man and the Beast were chilling at the
Avengers Mansion—most of the other Avengers were still in the hospital after
their recent fight with Ultron—when an Olympian Titan named Typhon came out of
nowhere and captured the two Avengers. Seems as if Typhon has a score to settle
with the Lion of Olympus and he heard that this was Hercules’ last known
address.
Iron Man has to explain to Typhon that Hercules doesn’t live
there anymore, but he’d be happy to get him. Typhon tells Stark that he better
get Hercules and kill him otherwise he’s going to turn Hank McCoy into a furry
blue pancake. In a wonderful moment, the Beast tells Iron Man not to do it, he
doesn’t care if Typhon kills him and that he doesn’t want to be a pawn. You
know what Iron Man says?
“Shut up, McCoy.”
("Fuck you, dude." That's what I would have said.)
See Tony Stark was always a dick, it wasn’t just the movies.
Typhon tells Iron Man that when Hercules makes it to New
York, he has to fight him and if he sees him screwing around, he’s going to
kill the Beast. By the way, Typhon is doing all of this because he’s trapped in
Hades. Pluto, the ruler of Hades, said if Typhon can kill Hercules, he can
leave the underworld. You may remember Pluto from Champions 1, 2 and 3. Typhon is down
with that because Hercules clowned him a few years back so he can get revenge
AND escape from eternal torment.
That’s win-win, in the bad guy business.
So now Iron Man has to go toe-to-toe with a demigod and his
plan of telling the Black Widow is out the door because she’s knocked out
thanks to falling debris. Debris, that Iron Man, made fall on her. Bad plan
one.
He doesn’t want to tell Hercules what’s going on because “Typhon
forced me to set up a monitor for him! He’s watching every move I make.” Okay,
I know that people were kind of tech stupid back in the 1970s, but c’mon. Who’s
filming this? How is the monitor that Typhon is watching picking up everything
that these two guys are doing? I mean, they’re literally fighting over all of
Manhattan. It’s a pretty big place. Iron Man couldn’t have whispered to
Hercules his problem?
By trying to explain the holes in his story, Shooter just
digs more.
Finally, Hercules and Iron Man fight their way to Avengers
Mansion. Despite being glued to “his monitor”, Typhon doesn’t realize this.
Maybe he’s never been to New York City before and doesn’t know where the
Mansion is in relationship to where the fight was.
“Mid-town, I thought that the Mansion was downtown! Oh,
fiddlesticks,” Typhon could have said. But he didn’t.
Hercules and Iron Man have pretty much exhausted themselves
beating the shit out of each other. But guess who’s awake and followed their teammate
to the Avengers Mansion? Ice Man and Black Widow! They try to attack the titan,
but are getting the short end of the stick. All of a sudden, the Beast gets
free and kicks Typhon.
Then he says, “Rottsa Ruck, Cluck!”
(Kinda concerning? BTW, that image of Typhon is ghastly.)
I’m not sure exactly what that means, but it sounds kind of
racist. I may be a little on edge after all of the shit that went down in
Charlottesville this past week, but WTF Hank? Seriously? You’re doing a fake
Chinese accent. And Typhon’s not even Asian, he’s Greek. You couldn’t have
thrown a “Cheebugger, Cheebugger, Cheebugger!” John Belushi thing at him? Your’re
better than this, man.
Anyway the Beast kicks Typhon into the air and Ice Man
freezes him solid, just like they did in the X-Men days. He breaks out, but
Typhon is now facing Ice Man, the Beast, Black Widow, Iron Man and Hercules.
Pluto calculates the odds and realizes that Typhon isn’t going to win and brings
him back to Hades. Before he goes, Typhon vows vengeance! Vengeance on the
Avengers, I like that.
Iron Man apologizes to Hercules. Our Greek buddy is a
stand-up dude and tells him not to worry about it. Hercules likes trading
fists, so I’m sure that he was not bothered by it at all. The last panel shows
the Beast having a crisis of confidence, but we won’t find out about that
because that’s an Avengers’ problem, not a Champions’ problem.
A few things:
- If you’re Ice Man and you find yourself in the Avengers Mansion, do you walk around and check stuff out? I would. How many times has Bobby been invited to the Mansion? Once maybe twice? I’d walk around, go to the bathroom (number two, just to say I did it), nose through the silverware, maybe have Jarvis make me a sandwich. That would be cool (no pun). What’s Iron Man going to do, kick you out? You just saved his ass. I’d probably sprawl out on the couch, let out a big yawn and loudly say, “I could get used to a place like this! I really could!”
- Jim Shooter really is a hell of a writer. I wish that he wrote a couple of issues of the Champions. I better they’d be really good. BTW, another issue with no petty bickering between teammates. I like the Champions better when they’re in another person’s book. If I was reading this book as an Avengers fan, I don't think I would have loved it. For one thing, there was really only one Avenger: Iron Man. Beast was locked up for 95% of the book and this was a flimsy plot. Plus, it seemed like a fill-in and a favor. Like they could have printed this thing any time they felt like it. And the favor comes from getting some eyeballs on a book (The Champions) that no one is reading. Bleh.
- The cover art is great. I love George Perez, he can really draw. In fact, I think that I might like him more than John Byrne. That’s saying something. I also enjoy that the Beast calls Iron Man "Shell Head" when he's in the middle of kicking the shit out of Hercules. George Tuska’s comic art was fine. It wasn’t anything great. He does a workman’s job. Nothing awesome, but nothing terrible either.
This was a pretty good Champions story, I’d give it three
disco Angels out of five. However, it was not a very good Avengers story. I’d
only give it only one one-legged Wasp pants suit.
Or:
I know that it was the 1970s and the Wasp was supposed to be fashion-forward and everything, but what the hell was she thinking? Like WWIII, she's rich. Why is she flying around in a costume that looks like it was designed by a blind guy? Comics.
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