My Friend, My Foe!

This issue of Peter Parker, The Spectacular Spider-Man opens up with the Angel in a lot of trouble. If there’s one thing that we’ve learned over these last four months is that the Angel is ALWAYS in a lot of trouble. He’s trouble so much, he could be a Disney Princess. There are a few differences this time:

He’s AND Spider-Man are in trouble

The guy causing the trouble is his best buddy, Bobby Drake AKA Ice Man

It’s not an X-Men or Champions book, it’s a Spidey book

In any event a mind-controlled Ice Man is chasing the Angel and the Spider and he’s actually using his powers to their utmost abilities. He’s chucking ice daggers at them, he’s cooled the entire building so that the two heroes are freezing and using more energy to keep them warm (thus slowing them down and making them easier targets) and he chucked a giant, spiked ice ball at them.

And to make matters better, he’s not whining. Like at all!

This means that crippled super villain and second-rate Tony Stark, Stuart Clarke (his name rhymes with Tony’s!), who has had zero training as Ice Man AND is in fact unconscious right now, is a better Ice Man than un-hypnotized Bobby Drake. In fact, Ice Man should sing, “Clarke-y, Clarke-y, Clarke-y can’t you see? Sometimes it’s better when you hypnotize me!”

Maybe not. But he probably should.

As the fight is going on, we get a couple of flashbacks as to how this all happened. Immediately after the Champions broke up, Ice Man heads to the hospital (as Ice Man, BTW; not Bobby Drake) to Clarke’s hospital room where he’s bandaged, paralyzed and in a coma. For days, Ice Man stays there soliloquizing about how sorry he is for what happened and how it sucks for Clarke to be all messed up. If you’ve forgotten, in order to get rid of the Champions (after he was knocked out by Black Widow’s dad, Ivan [remember him?]), Clarke (as Rampage) presses the self-destruct button on his costume, which blew him up. So while, I’m usually up for an Ice Man beatdown, this isn’t his fault at all. Nor is it the Champions’ fault either.

So, Ice Man is sitting there, feeling sorry for himself when the bandaged Clarke tells him to come closer. He then blows hypnotizing gas in the icy mutant’s face and Bobby is his slave. I have no idea how Clarke was physically able to get the chemicals that he needed to do that, but he did – it was explained that these chemicals were found in the hospital, which okay. But how did he stand up and get them. They’ve made a pretty large point of saying that Clarke is a cripple. Again, I don’t know.

After the flashback, Ice Man is really kicking these heroes’ collective asses. At one point he calls Angel “Daddy Warbucks” again and grabs him by the throat. As he’s doing this to his best buddy, he’s freezing him at the same time, which is a pretty bad ass move. I’ve read probably about 20 comics with Ice Man in them over the last four months and this is the most ruthless I’ve ever seen him. And it’s not like it’s a new writer at the helm, this is still Bill Mantlo who has been writing the character for over two years.

Spider-Man isn’t about to watch the Angel die (awwwww, mannnnnn) so he tackles Ice Man out a 35th story window. As they’re falling, they’re still fighting and Spidey manages to bring the duo into a car wash. The “scalding hot steam” melts Ice Man and snaps him out of his stupor. And this is why Spider-Man is so awesome, after he kicks Bobby’s ass he thinks, “Oh yeah, people might not know who he is” and he webs up a mask so that Ice Man can keep his secret identity!

Peter Parker puts the “friendly” in Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man.

(Spider-Man is my hero!)

As the two were fighting, three businessmen burst into the Champions building – seriously, you guys, you didn’t see the donnybrook going on here – to talk to the Angel about the building. They actually represent the construction company that screwed the Champions over and they want to reach an understanding. We don’t hear what they say to him, but the Angel flips out and starts flapping his wings creating a mini-hurricane which tussles papers, glasses fall off and ties are askew.

It’s a bad scene.

The businessmen are so freaked out that they tell the Angel his debts are cancelled, the property is rented and the place will be repaired, free of charge. I guess business was done differently in the late 1970s.

(I'm glad Trump doesn't have wings! Wocka, wocka!)

The three talk about getting Clarke back to the hospital and Ice Man tells the others that he has a lot of thinking to do, but he’s going out on his own. I guess he’s going to wander around a bit like Caine from the TV show “Kung-Fu”. And that’s about it.

There are two buttons to the story:

The camera that the Angel gave to Spider-Man is broken after he took it through the carwash. So he doesn’t get the camera or his fight with Ice Man.

Flash Thompson is walking around campus with his new girlfriend that he got while in Vietnam (“I went to Vietnam and all I got was this lousy girlfriend!”). They’re so in love that they almost get smashed in the back of the head by a Frisbee. Good thing that Hector Ayala is there to save them both. You remember Hector Ayala right? He’s the White Tiger!

This was another really good issue. I think that when Spidey is part of the crew, things work really well. Angel isn’t as much of an ass and even though Bobby was hypnotized through much of these two issues, he was cool (HA!) too. Plus Ice Man actually used his imagination and jammed his feet on the accelerator when it came to his powers. He was really fucking shit up. Too bad he can’t do that all the time. The Clarke story was pretty lame, but what are you going to do? I’ve read much worse.

Sal Buscema did another great job with his art, though the cover was a little sketchy (he didn’t do that). I do like how someone is still holding out hope that the Champions are going to be a thing again, with the bubble, "A Champion Gone Mad!" Stop trying to make the Champions happen, Gretchen! It's not going to happen! 

All-in-all, I’d give this story four bullied half-Peter, half-Spider-Man, Spidey Senses! (Pretty sick burn by Flash Thompson, BTW. "This is a bowling alley! Not a knitting parlor!" Eat that, Puny Parker!)

 

Jesus, Parker's practically Bobby Drake in that panel. "Oooh, I'll punch you one day, Flash! You just wait and see!" Spoiler Alert: he doesn't!

Whatever Happened to the Ice Man?

The Champions’ book ended in 1977 and comic fans don’t find out what became of that wacky, LA-based team until over a year later. It wasn’t until issue number 17 of Peter Parker, the Spectacular Spider-Man, did people learn what transpired.

I have to hand it to writer Bill Mantlo, he did a pretty good job of framing how the reader learns about the Champions’ demise. For some reason, the New York City-based Daily Bugle has sent a writer and a photographer to the other side of the United States to do a story about what happens when a super hero team goes belly-up. The writer has already talked to the last Champion standing, Warren Worthington III (Angel) and now they’ve sent photographer Peter Parker out to California to grab some shots.

Pete is sleepily walking around Champions Plaza, where the Champions Building stands, when two huge pieces of glass fall from the skyscraper. The Angel catches one, but misses the other. If Parker wasn’t Spider-Man, he’d be dead. But since he is, he jumps out of the way and is safe. No one, not Angel or the two cops hanging around, think that Pete’s display of advanced gymnastics is a huge deal.

The Angel invites him upstairs for a coffee and to replace his busted camera and begins to tell him about his team disbanded. It all comes down to this: the Champions Building is a big pile of shit where nothing ever works. The rest of the team takes that as a metaphor for the Champions themselves and the frustrations bubble over.

Ghost Rider, who feels that he’s never been respected, is the first to jet. Black Widow tries to get him to stick around, but Hercules calls his teammate a “demon” (I have no idea where Blaze gets his persecution complex from) and says to let him go. Natasha begins to cry. Darkstar tells her country woman that things are going to be okay, but she has to leave too because she needs to go back to Russia.

Ice Man tries to get her to stay by telling her that he loves her, which ugh, c’mon man. Jesus Christ. And as she’s flying through the window, she gets one last burn on Bobby Drake. “I – I am sorry. Though I like you – it has never been more than that!”

Which, damn. That hurts. But on the other hand, she’s never led Bobby on. He’s the one who loves her, does stupid shit for her and expects her to love him back despite not having a rapport with her. But man, we’ve all been there. Ice Man takes this semi-public rejection like a champ (pun!) and tells the group that the first chance he gets, he’s cutting the “C” off his belt. I guess this means he quits. He also called Angel, Daddy Warbucks and tells him to “flap off”. Pissy Bobby is the best Bobby.

Angel turns to Black Widow and Hercules and they’re just like, dude what do you want from us. Hercules tells him he’s going to walk the Earth and see what he can find and Natasha says that sounds dope and she’s going with him. Angel freaks and has his “BUT THE WORLD STILL NEEDS CHAMPIONS!” moment.

Peter listens to the story and tells him WWIII he has it rough, but where’s Ice Man? Which is sort of a weird question to ask. Why didn’t he ask about Ghost Rider or Darkstar or Hercules and Black Widow? Angel says he doesn’t know but if he still needs those shots, they should take them now.

Parker thinks the Angel is lying so he returns to the Champions Building, this time as Spider-Man! He’s going to snoop around the place looking for Bobby Drake. I’m still not sure why he feels compelled to look for a guy whom he doesn’t know very well, this is well before they were Amazing Friends.

Spidey overhears Angel talking to a guy in a wheelchair and it seems as if the wheelchair-bound man has Angel over a barrel somehow. But it’s not just any old cripple, it’s the poor-man’s Tony Stark, Stuart Clarke who you remember as the Champion’s first villain, Rampage. Someone else is commandeering the Rampage suit because after the Angel calls Clarke, a “deranged homicidal, little pipsqueak” he gets punched. Hard. If it wasn’t for Spider-Man’s help, the Angel would have a broken neck.

Spider-Man is about to kick Rampage’s ass, but the Angel holds him off. He tries to explain to the New York hero exactly why, but he catches himself. He just tells him that he can’t beat up Rampage. Spidey doesn’t care and cold-cocks WWIII and knocks his ass out. He then takes on the Rampage, when he’s about to get his ass beat. Angel realizes that an innocent is going to get hurt so he hurls an electric spear thing at Clarke which shocks him and Rampage.

You think that Rampage is done, but he’s not. The electric shock only breaks the psychic bond between Clarke and whomever is in the Rampage suit. And guess who’s in that suit? It’s none other than Bobby Drake, the Ice Man. And guess what else, you guys? He found the time to take the “C” off his belt. He’s pissed!

This was a very good issue, probably better than most regular Champions issues. The way that Mantlo explained how and why the Champions broke up made sense. They never gelled as a team, they were always fighting amongst each other and bickering. It got annoying. I mean, I was sick of these people too. It’s like if you have a friend who’s with someone else and all they do is fight. They battle over where to go to eat or who’s turn it is to empty the dishwasher or what TV show to watch. At first, it’s uncomfortable to be around them and then it turns down-right aggravating. You want them to split up, but they stay with each other because they don’t have anything else better to do.

That’s who the Champions are. They’re the Lockhorns of the comic book world.

The art was great too. I love the clean, bold lines of penciler Sal Buscema. He does an exemplary job because his art isn’t rushed or sketchy. This may not make sense, but it looks like how a comic book should. Oh yeah, the cover is pretty great too. I believe it's a John Byrne and the action really pops off the cover. The colors are so great. Such a nice job. 

The one thing that I don’t get is why this was a story that needed to be told in Peter Parker, the Spectacular Spider-Man? Spidey was starring in the monthly Marvel-Team Up book where he pairs with a superhero to have an adventure. Why couldn’t he have joined with the Angel on that book and do his own thing in the PPSSM book? I’m not complaining, I’m just wondering.

Oh well, it was still a fun read. Since this isn’t a proper Champions book, I won’t give it any disco Angels. But I will give it four out of five hissy fit Angels. 

The Economy Is So Bad That …

The title of this issue is dreadful, luckily, the story more than makes up for it. The only place that Champions five could take place is the 1970s. Why? Because the supervillain, Rampage, is about a businessman who is getting screwed over by the crushing economy.

Stuart Clarke is a (apparently very) poor man’s Tony Stark. His company had an offer to be purchased, but Clarke wouldn’t sell out. His competition (actually, Tony Stark* himself) decided that they’d get in on what he’s doing. He came up with a light-weight exoskeleton that cops would wear so that they don’t get hurt on the job. Since Stark has more government connections than Clarke, he quickly made a crap ton of money and Clarke owes a lot of people a lot of money.

* Why didn’t he just find and fight Iron Man?

This sends him into a rage and he starts robbing FDIC-insured banks because he thinks that since they’re insured, the little guy won’t get screwed. Which, I mean, c’mon, even in the 70s people were cynical? realistic? less naïve enough? to know that the government isn’t just going to cover the bill without passing the check to John Q. Public. For a smart guy, Rampage is really dumb.

While this is going on, Warren Worthington III (aka the Angel) is in the office of his family’s accountant with Bobby Drake (aka Ice Man). For some dumb reason, they’re in their superhero uniforms, but that doesn’t matter much because the Angel just found out that he’s incredibly rich. I guess he always knew that he was loaded, but it was his parents’ cash, so it wasn’t a big deal but now he got it all.

Ice Man comments that Angel now his more money than God, which I guess means that this Angel got an incredible promotion. Wocka, wocka. Anyway, Angel says that he’s going to use his money to fund the Champions and make them a real team and hires the guy who was Hercules and Black Widow’s lecture agent, Richard Fenster, as the Business Manager of Champions, Inc.

It’s a good thing he was walking around the UCLA campus talking out loud to himself about how unlucky he was to get fired. The two mutants just happened to overhear him, picked him up (literally) and offered him a job on the spot. This is exactly how I got my second job. Weird coincidence.

While Ice Man and Angel are acting like adults and spending money, Hercules, Black Widow and Ivan are hanging around the UCLA football field. Despite not understanding football, Hercules is practicing with the “team” and he’s kicking their ass. I put team in quotes because the UCLA football team is wearing red pants, a white shirt with black numbers and a red helmet. Not to get all Paul Lukas here, but that’s more of USC colors than the Bruins’ blue and gold.

(UCLA is on the left)

Maybe the USC team is pulling a Greg Brady and is fucking with their rival. If so, consider yourselves Jerry Rogers-ed*, Trojans.

* This is such an ancient reference, that it actually happened a few years after the original Trojan War.

 

(Look at Jerry Mackin' on Marcia! That cad!)

(Caught in the act!)

(I wanted an excuse to post this picture. It rules.) 

WWIII calls a meeting of the Champions and lays it all out on the table, the Champions are going to be “Storefront Superheroes”. Of course, Hercules is confused by this too: “I care not for the thy desire to place the Lion of Olympus at the command of mere mortals.” Fucking Hercules, first you don’t understand football, now this. All the Angel was saying is that if a person needs help with extraordinary circumstances, they can call on the Champions*.  

* Basically they’re Heroes for Hire without the tiaras and slippers, though as long as Angel is around, each team both still have the groovy chest-baring shirts. I wonder if Power Man or Iron Fist sued for copyright infringement? They should have. BTW, tiara or not Luke Cage looks so much tougher than the Angel and his dopey ass. 

Bobby is on his way to the meeting (“Thanks for starting it without me guys, seriously!”) and sees Rampage robbing the FDIC insured bank. He springs into action and gets knocked through a plate-glass window. He’s about to receive Rampage’s final death blow when the Champions come out of nowhere.

Angel says it’s because the restaurant they were eating at didn’t have Muzak, but pump in news broadcasts. Which isn’t a thing. Like ever. Do you realize how annoying that would be to sit down, relax and eat some salmon and some Paul Harvey jackass prattling on about Watergate, gas lines and Jimmy Carter? No one would eat there. Ever.

The Champions fight Rampage and the battle goes back and forth. It looks like the Champions are going to win this battle but all of a sudden this happens:

And can you blame Rampage? Who wouldn't want to jam a fist into the Angel's skull? BTW, metaphor alert! Here's the down-and-out Rampage about to get revenge on the obscenely rich Angel. If you're a regular joe buying this comic in 1976, who are you supposed to identify with? The guy who was so far down on his luck that he was pushed beyond his breaking point to take matters into his own hands or the pretty boy who just had a crap load of money dumped into his lap for doing absolutely nothing? 

And there's more: Angel versus Rampage! Angel has blonde hair, Rampage has black hair! One lone man versus four powerhouses! Who's the good guy and who's the bad guy here?

It makes you think! Or not. 

BTW, Angel seems to get himself into a lot of these situations. 

What a dummy. 

A couple of things about this issue:

•   This was a really good issue. The plotting was fast, there wasn’t as much exposition, the action was there and there were some funny down time moments. Honestly, it was probably the best issue of the run so far.
•  There wasn’t a lot of bickering, Angel toned down the dickishness, Ice Man was starting to have an existential crisis and Hercules was cool. Black Widow still sorta hangs out without a defined roll (her assistant Ivan is more fleshed out).
•   Finally, the Champions are given a reason to exist! It’s not the best reason in the world but an altruistic super hero team is not bad. And everyone buys in, so there’s some sort of overarching factor that keeps this group together.
• You’ll notice that I didn’t mention Ghost Rider at all. He wasn’t in this issue and I wonder if that’s why it was a good one. Maybe old Ghost Rider is the weak link?
•    Rampage looks cool, he’s not cool; but he looks cool. He’s a two-bit anti-Iron Man.
•    The cover for this issue was a miss. It wasn’t that great, but next issue looks awesome.

All-in-all, I give this four out of five Angels!

Four Angels? I'm shocked too, guys.