Divide and Conquer!

Big news in this issue, gang. Big and sorta sad news. Warren Worthington III, better known to comic aficionados, as the Angel has changed his uniform. He’s back to wearing his new classic uniform, though this time it’s red instead of blue.

(I don't know where the halo is in the above costume, it's usually in the middle of his chest, but it's not there. The Angel looks like a bit of an asshole here, doesn't he?)

It’s about damn time Angel looked presentable. He looked like an asshole flying around, chest showing, headband on in his yellow and red Ronald McDonald togs. Seriously, he looked like this:

I for one am glad that we don’t have to look at this monstrosity of a uniform anymore. But, you know what, you guys? I’m actually a little sad too. That ketchup and mustard creation really brought home the spirit of the Champions. The spirit of the 1970s, the Me Decade, where if it felt good, you did it. Extra wide bell bottoms, garish shirts, cocaine addictions, sloppy sex in bathrooms? Whatever man, just keep on truckin’ and we’ll let our kids pick up the pieces.

Let’s give it up one last time for the Baby Boomer generation, they had the fun and passed along the check to us! And oh yeah, now they’re super scared of everything, so they elected a monstrous sentient Cheeto to really bring the whole shithouse down. You fucked up drugs, casual sex, rock and roll, the economy (TWICE!), might as well fuck up the entire government on your way out! Thanks again guys. Great work.

Anyway, Rampage shows up at the Champions headquarters armed with photos of the Titanium Man hauling Black Widow and her former mentor Alexi Bruskin AKA The Commissar* somewhere. This really pisses of Ivan**, who despite almost dying at the hands of Rampage decides to go for round two. He hit him pretty hard. Rampage was popped so hard that Hercules was pumped for Ivan.

(Would you look at how god damn thrilled Hercules is in this pic?) 

* I wish that this story was written in the early 80s, just someone could have said, “Don’t turn around. Uh-oh! Der Kommissar’s in town! Uh-oh!” After the Fire, a nation turns its lonely eyes to you.

** There’s a number of strange things about Ivan: he looks like a French Stan Lee for one thing. But the other thing is that his voice doesn’t match his personality. What I mean by this is that Ivan is Russian as the Kremlin, but he’s written in such a thick American East coast way. Like he lived all his life in Brooklyn. He uses idioms like “pal” and “dough” and “ain’t”, I’m surprised he hasn’t yelled, “It’s clobberin’ time” yet. And that’s fine, Russians—all foreigners—assimilate into the US and use the day’s slang. But not in comics, especially not in comics from 1976. Ivan is Russian, so he would speak in a bastardized version of the mother tongue, like the X-men’s Colossus. Lots of “da’s” and “nyet’s” and his syntax isn’t peppered with slang. The lack of racism (probably not the right word, but you get what I mean) in Ivan’s speech is kind of off putting.

Ramapage decides that he’s had about enough of this bullshit and hits his self-destruct button, which is a gigantic red dot on the middle of his yellow uniform. He’s been hit in the chest a bunch of times, but he’s never exploded. I’m not sure why this time is any different. But it is! And he blows up. But it appears that Griffin and Darkstar had something to do with this, so Rampage isn’t totally crazy.

The Champions kick Rampage when he’s down (vocally) and Ivan tries to get him to spill the beans about the Black Widow, but Rampage dies. Sort of. Not really because the Ghost Rider yells at Angel for being a rich prick (“You don’t know what it’s like to be broke – what it can do to you!”) and then takes their fallen foe to the hospital.

After GR bolts, Champions PR man (I think they called him the team’s financial manager two issues ago, but whatever they’re the same job, right?) Richard Fenster is all like, hey we have a big launching thing to do in a few hours, what are we going to do? Angel says, “Now might not be the time to do that, Dick (no offense meant, that’s his name!)” and Ivan loses it. He thinks that Angel wants to break up the Champions instead of look for Natasha.

Which, to be fair, sounds like an Angel thing to say but Ivan leaves to find his “tsarina” on his own. Hercules grabs a file cabinet and Ice Man grabs a broom to tidy up, while WW III bitches about his ripped costume. The rich are different than us, indeed. Anyway, Hercules tells everyone not to worry, the team launch is going to be awesome “especially if there are ladies in the audience” because the Prince of Power is going to be there too.

I fucking love Hercules.

Cut to: the villains in their liar who have just spilled their plans to Natasha. Griffin wants to kill everyone, especially the Angel (can’t say that I don’t blame him). Titanium Man tells him to chill out when another Russian super villain makes his entrance by blasting TM. It’s the Crimson Dynamo and he’s the son of Ivan Petrovich. YES! The same Ivan who speaks like he’s from the Boogie Down and who just cold-cocked Rampage. It’s just like Huey Lewis says, it’s a small world after all.

While this is going on, Ivan (yup, Crimson Dynamo’s dad!) has figured out where Black Widow is by reverse engineering the black pearl that they got last issue (don’t ask) and Ice Man is tagging along. Remember what we talked about a few entries back about how weird it is that everyone keeps calling Angel and Ice Man “kids” or “youths” or “young ones”? Bobby Drake has finally had it up to his icicles and told Ivan to knock it off.

Ghost Rider drops Rampage off at the hospital and now he’s talking like a demon again and NOT like Gene Autry. There’s a lot of inconsistencies in voice in this issue, which is a bit distracting.

The Angel gets his new uniform and it looks pretty good, though he says that it reminds him of when he was with the X-Men. Awwww. At least Dick is in a tuxedo. Hercules is just chilling in a skirt and sash.

I’m not sure whether the comics had anything to do about this or whether I was just used to red being their primary color and blue being an accent, but in the mid to late 1990s the Angels baseball team were purchased by Disney (who also own Marvel) changed their name from the California Angels to the Anaheim Angels. When they changed their name, they changed their uniforms. They were pretty damn ugly, but their main color scheme went from red with dark blue accents to periwinkle with red accents. It looked like shit and a few years later, they went back to a uniform that was more red.

 

(Above is Chuck Finley and the upper image is how I remember the Angels looking the most. The second image is sorta like a two or three season look, which I liked but it's not the "traditional" Angels uni.)

(This is Mo Vauhgn in that shitty Anaheim Angels look. Man, I loved Mo Vaughn and was pretty bummed when he went to California. He was a horrible free agent acquisition by them.)

(This is Mike Trout in their most current uniforms. They won a World Series in 2002, so I doubt that they'll change these togs any time soon. But, that was 15 years ago. It doesn't seem that far away. I remember being on a plane to a conference to Vegas when the pilot told everyone that the Angels won the World Series.)

Those periwinkle uniforms sucked (those aren’t even real vests, those are just blue sleeved jersey) and the Angels teams weren’t very good either but I could never get past the blue uniforms. They didn’t look like the Angels. And WWIII doesn’t look like the Angel in his blue togs either, he just looks like the Angel clad in red. Which is kind of weird because if you think of the color red, you think of fire. Angels aren’t in fire, that’s where the devil and his demon horde hang out. Angels live in the sky, so they should be more in tune with the color blue.

Yet for both the baseball team and the comic book character, I think that they look best in red. Weird.

Anyhow, Angel and Hercules go out and meet the people of Los Angeles. California Governor Jerry Brown is pissed that only two of the heroes are there, “I understood that there were five of them!” and things are going pretty well. Until Titanium Man, Crimson Dynamo and the Griffin show up. This is a nice cliffhanger because shit’s going to hit the fans next issue, kids.  

All-in-all, not a bad issue. It kept me interested and laughing. Can’t ask for more than that. The cover was sort of a dud, but the color scheme was cool. I also like that they showed Rampage blowing up and sending Champions everywhere. Update: the vest rating system will stay despite Angel's new uni. Three vested Angels out of five.

  

The Man Who Created the Black Window

This is another good issue of the Champions, writer Tony Isabella has really found his groove and things are going along pretty well. This is a classic set-up issue where stories are being laid out, so there’s not a ton of action. Well, meaningful action.

It opens with Hercules, Ice Man and Champions business manager Richard Fenster being attacked by some sort of remote control bomb. It takes them about three pages for the trio to capture it and then they give it to Natasha and her pal Ivan. The Russian ex-pats are going to look into this thing because something seems a bit too familiar about this rocket.

While this is going on, Ghost Rider and the Angel are visiting Stuart Clarke, aka Rampage, in the hospital. The Angel is trying to get Clarke to accept his gift of a lawyer, so that he can be defended in court. Clarke doesn’t want it (I don’t blame him) and he’s being a bit of a dick about it too. Oh yeah, he’s smoking. In a hospital. The 1970s were a weird time, man.

Angel wants to help Clarke because he feels bad for him. Johnny Blaze is like, “Dude, that’s dumb. I’m going to turn into Ghost Rider and scare him into taking your charity!”

As he bursts into the hotel room, he sees the villains Darkstar and the Griffin taking Clarke. Ghost Rider is so taken aback he yells, “Sweet jumping catfish!”

I didn’t read a ton of Ghost Rider books when I was a kid, but I don’t remember him talking like a stereotypical 1950’s TV cowboy. It’s really strange to see a guy with a flaming skull for a head, speak with these south western, homespun axioms. I’d think that you want a guy who looks like a demon, to talk like a demon. But that’s just me.

Otherwise he sounds like Jethro Bodine.

(I know this guy isn't a cowboy, but man alive Ghost Rider, any second now you're going to be prattling on and on about your ce-ment pond and Mrs. Drysdale. BTW, I really did not like "The Beverly Hillbillies". Even when I was a kid, I thought it was too low-brow and I genuinely like "Car 54, Where Are You?" and "Gilligan's Island")

Speaking of looks, the Griffin looks absolutely ridiculous. He’s got brown wings, a chalk white face that surrounded by shockingly yellow mane and he’s clad in a bright red onesie. Ghost Rider calls him “a homicidal maniac”, but he looks completely ridiculous.

(He even has a picture of a griffin on his belt! The fuck, dude?) 

While GR is fighting the bad guys, Angel rescues Clarke. How does Clarke repay WWIII? He punches him in the gut with one his exo-gloves that Darkstar smuggled in for him. Angel and Ghost Rider regroup and go back to the Champions headquarters, located in downtown LA.

Hercules, Ice Man and Fenster are walking around looking for the bomb perpetrator and the Champions business manager won’t shut up about tomorrow. Apparently, the Champions are going to announce to the world that they’re a new super team and looking for a bad guy in their headquarters could be bad publicity. Ice Man gets pissed and calls Fenster, “Dickey Boy” all while completely missing one of the bad guys hiding behind a file cabinet.

Apparently, Ice Man can either come up with a sick burn or be a detective. HE CAN’T DO BOTH!

The trio think that they stumble upon the bad guy, but it turns out to be a crybaby kid who wants the Champions to help him. We don’t know what, exactly, he wants them to do but he starts sobbing on Hercules and hugging him. Zounds indeed! The stealthily hidden villain, who I think is the Outcast (they never get around to mentioning his name), goes down the back staircase and out the door to freedom.

Which is fine because we move our attention to Ivan and Natasha. Ivan has taken apart the bomb and realizes that it wasn’t really a bomb at all, it was a remote-controlled device that was delivered a message. The message? One black pearl. That’s all Black Widow needs to hear and she jumps out a window. Was the pearl scary? No, she saw a guy on the rooftop, so she decided to track him down.

She meets up with him and realizes that it’s her old teacher – they guy from the title of this book! The man who created the Black Widow! He was about to tell her something, but he got shot by the Titanium Man. And that’s where this book ends.

When you think of classic Marvel teams like the Avengers or the X-Men or the Fantastic Four, they all came about in the early 1960s. The Champions debuted 15 years later, which isn’t really that much time, yet it feels like a completely different dynamic. Like I said, I think things are starting to go in the right direction for this book, but it still has a weird, ad-hoc sort of vibe to it.

When you go back and read those other team books, it seemed like there was more cohesion, it was more tightly knit. And I’m not sure whether that’s due to the writing of Stan Lee and art of Jack Kirby (two of the all-time titans of the industry). Or whether it’s because I didn’t read those first books until much later, after I already knew the stories and the background, so I was more familiar with the characters and willing to smooth over the rough, early patches.

But even though Isabella is doing a fine job and the books are entertaining, something seems to be off. Perhaps it’s because I know that I’m reading a finite book that most people have forgotten and that has colored my view – almost as if I’m looking for the one panel where the collective comic community threw up its hands and said, “We’re out!” but there’s no real sense of gravitas here.

It sounds as if it’s me, I’m the one who needs to change my perspective on this book and just read it for what it is: a fun, weird book centered around some C-list Marvel characters and not worry about any larger significance. One of the things that bugs me about modern comics is how super serious every character seems to be. I like books, like Kate Bishop: Hawkeye (I know that’s not the title), where there are some stakes, but the writing is bouncy and fun. The Champions are a lot like that, but in a more ironic way. It is intended to be serious and full of consequences (Ice Man has been having an existential crisis and bitching about quitting the super hero game to become an accountant – which sounds really funny after I reread it) but it’s not.

In a few issues, the Champions are going to fight a former Nazi scientist who’s made of bees. And that sounds pretty damn awesome.

BTW, despite the aesthetics of the Griffin, the cover is pretty damn dope. Six out of seven!

Anyway, I’d give this issue of Champions three out of five Angels wearing a vest.

 

Mad Dogs and Businessmen

Welcome to the thrilling conclusion of the Champions meet Rampage! Even if you weren’t alive in the mid-70s, I’m sure you know all about this glorious two-part comic run. In high school history classes, we skipped over World War II, just so we could spend the last few weeks in June thoroughly going over Champions 5-6 to plumb the intricacies of the story and parse the art. It really made that much of an impact, not only on the American zeitgeist, but the very fabric of American life.

I don’t know why I’m being unnecessarily snarky. This was a really decent issue of the Champions and honestly, out of all the issues I’ve looked at, this is probably the best one. There are some flaws—like the art is still a little too sketchy for my tastes—but I think that Tony Isabella has started to get a handle on these characters and has turned them into a group. They’re not quite a team yet, but it’s no longer four people hanging around while someone did something, like it was in earlier issues.

Last time we saw the Champs*, Rampage had Angel by his hair and was threatening to ram his fist through his skull. In a deft move, the Champions pretend to walk away in defeat, which allowed Rampage to drop Warren Worthington III. But the Champions weren’t done yet, because as soon as WWIII’s head smacked off the ground (it hits pretty hard) Ice Man swings around and puts Rampage in a block of ice, allowing Hercules the time to pick up his fallen (and probably concussed) teammate.

* I forgot to mention this from the last issue, but in the book’s penultimate panel Ice Man actually says, “That creep’s got us by the short hairs!” Bobby is talking about the team’s collective pubic hair here, right? I mean, it can’t be anything else. This line genuinely made me laugh out loud. Isabella, you magnificent bastard! I guess someone at the Comic Code Authority was sleeping at the wheel.

As Herc runs away with the Angel, Rampage breaks free and tries to punch Black Widow. But he misses, hits B-Dub’s valet Ivan and hurts him pretty bad. Hercules gets pissed and punches the shit out of Rampage, who gets away. BTW, how Rampage gets away is hilarious: he flies to the top of a roof, finds a wooden crate, shoves his Rampage suit in there (he was wearing a three-piece suit, with tie! under his Rampage outfit) and then just walks past our heroes and the cops with the crate on his shoulder. No one questions him, no one cares.

Black Widow is exceptionally pissed that Ivan is hurt and threatens to murder to fuck out of Rampage, which wakes up WWIII who self-righteously tells her that killing someone is not the answer. “We’re the Champions – NOT the Avengers!” he concludes. Dude, you don’t know how right you are. This bullshit speech (and the Angel must’ve majored in this at the Xavier Institute because he is chock full of them) actually calms Natasha down and the team starts talking about who should lead them.

Hercules is all like, I’m not taking orders from you two little shits*. Ice Man and Angel are like, don’t worry, we suck. Angel then suggests that Black Widow be the leader of the Champions and even Hercules says, “There’s no quest Hercules would not dare for a leader such as this” as he has both hands on her ass. Way to go, brother.

* In addition the word “comrade” being used in every issue up until now, Hercules, Black Widow, Ghost Rider (when he’s around) and even Ivan are always giving WWIII and Bobby shit about being young. They call them “youths” (which is kinda weird) and they’re always bringing up their relative lack of experience. Which is wrong. Angel and Ice Man were original X-Men, which means they’ve been fighting bad guys since the dawn of the Marvel age. They may be kids, but they have just as much experience as anyone else (save Hercules). If I was one of those guys, I’d say, “You know what Black Widow, the next time you fight Magneto to a standstill, let me know. Then I’ll tell you about the dozen fucking times I’ve done it.”

Meanwhile the Rampage attack is being broadcast on TV and the guy (Amos Crawley) that Rampage fired in the last issue (when he was just millionaire Stuart Clarke) is watching TV. Due to being shit-canned, Crawley decides to drop a dime on his former boss and rats him out for being Rampage. This really is the American dream isn’t it? You see the guy who fires you on TV fucking up and you’re able to get him into deep trouble. Karma!

The cops (in some really, really terribly drawn cars) show up to Clarke’s labs and there’s a standoff. Rampage freaks out and injures another person as he tries to bust out of the place. Black Widow has stationed Ice Man near the radio (HA, HA! What a shitty job) and he hears all about it. He alerts the rest of the team who have been watching over Ivan and they spring into action.

Hercules gives Angel a mace* “fashioned by Hephaestus himself!” and WWIII smashes it over Rampage’s head. Then he talks shit as Rampage tries to get him and whine about how he wanted to leave LA “quietly”. Black Widow bosses Ice Man around before deciding to hit Rampage in the back with her ass, which knocks out his jet pack. Hercules punches Rampage in the jaw, Angel hits him in the head again with the mace, before Hercules throws him through a wall.

* I was thinking about this the other day, Angel really can’t do anything but fly. And he has these giant wings, which villains, if they so choose, could use as gigantic targets. That’s all he can do. DC has a similar character in Hawkman, who does the same stuff. BUT Hawkman has this really big mace that’s studded with sharp metal tips. He can do some serious damage with that thing. I was unsure as to why the Angel didn’t have a mace or a gun or something, so I’m glad to see Hercules hand him a weapon.

(Despite his stupid looking mask, Hawkman looks a million times tougher than this:)

(C'mon man, arm yourself.)

Rampage realizes that he’s pretty screwed, so instead of going to prison, he has decided to kill himself by blowing up his jet pack. Ice Man stops him from doing that by containing the pack by surrounding everyone with an ice shield. It knocks Rampage out, the cops come and get him and Ice Man opines that he’s going to spend the rest of his existence in either “the slammer or some asylum”, which is kind of a shitty way to live. In other words, Ice Man feels bad about saving him and thinks that he probably should have let him die. B Dubs says, “He’s alive, Ice Man. You gave him that much.” Which is kind of the fucking point, Natasha. What life did Ice Man give him?

So the issue ends on a down note, but the coda is even worse. In the last three panels, Crawley shows up and thinks about how Clarke never got around to altering Crawley’s power of attorney status. Therefore, if Crawley moves fast enough, he can sell Clarke’s company and make a shit load of dough for himself. “My what a pleasant evening this has turned out to be,” he says to himself as the book ends.

I’ve read cynical stuff, but this really takes the cake. You really can make a parallel between how people (and I think that we’re supposed to relate to Rampage a bit here*. He’s a bad guy, but he’s not really a bad guy, to quote Wreck it Ralph) felt about the US government and the economy back then and how they feel about it now. Like even when you try to take the power back and get some sort of control over your life, you’re still fucked. Look at Stuart Clarke: he’s in jail, dead broke and the guy he fired ends up taking all of his cash. That would make anyone lose their mind and go on … wait for it … wait … a RAMPAGE!

* I’m not sure what to think about the Champions in this story. Are they the good guys? Are they an unwitting and unknowing pawn of the Man? Ostensibly, they’re supposed to be on the side of law and order, but what good is that if the odds are stacked against the working stiff? Ice Man seems to understand it a bit, but the rest of his buddies don’t.

I give this issue another four vest-wearing Angels out of five! And don’t sleep on this issue’s cover, it’s great. Why? Because it’s drawn by none other than Jack “The King” Kirby. Go back to the top of this blog entry and really give it a look over. I sized it extra-large because it’s that tremendous.